How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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