If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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