I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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