FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
