Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
