doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
