she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
