I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
