1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
