It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
