Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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