Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
