it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
