My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
