don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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