Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
