She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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