mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
