Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
