when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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