please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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