Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
