i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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