My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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