Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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