And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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