so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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