I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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