it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
