this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
