I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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