Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
