sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Fuck appropriateness.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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