As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
