Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
