My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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