i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
