Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
