I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
