Only a mothe r could love this liver
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
