I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
