I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
