you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
