i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
