I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
