I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
