remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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