Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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