that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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