Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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