I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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